It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

Let me just say this right out of the gate. This wasn’t my first breakdown. I’ve had a few in my life, but this one hit hard. And it hit on my absolute favorite holiday of the year. The 4th of July.

I love the loud booms, the bright sky, the family time, the food, the whole vibe. Fireworks have always been my mental escape. They make me feel small in the best way, like the world is still full of wonder even when life gets messy.

So when I woke up on the 4th this year and couldn’t breathe, I knew something was wrong. I mean really wrong. My chest was so tight, it felt like I had a boulder sitting on it. I was lightheaded, my mind was racing, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t calm down. My husband could see it. He just quietly packed up the kids and took them to his dad’s house so I could have the house to myself.

And I completely fell apart.

I had a full-blown panic attack. The kind where you’re gasping for air and your body feels like it’s shutting down. I haven’t had one like that in years. But this one came with full force, and I was powerless to stop it.

By noon, I had completely crashed. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. I passed out and didn’t wake up until almost 6 in the evening. I missed the whole day. Missed my favorite holiday. Missed the fireworks. Missed the food. Missed the joy.

And that hurt.

But if I’m being honest, this breakdown didn’t come out of nowhere. I felt it building for weeks. Little things started piling up like stress at home, issues with the kids, friction in my marriage, family tension, work pressure, personal doubts. A little bit of everything. Nothing huge on its own. But combined? It felt like I was carrying the weight of the world.

And the thing is, most of those things probably weren’t even that big of a deal. Not really. But when they all stacked on top of each other, it felt massive. Heavy. Impossible to carry. And like I always do, I kept telling myself I could handle it. I kept pushing through. Kept pretending I was fine.

Spoiler: I wasn’t.

And if I’m really being honest, 90% of what sent me spiraling was probably in my own head. Overthinking, overanalyzing, assuming the worst. Taking things too personally. Trying to be everything to everyone and burning myself out in the process.

Sound familiar?

We all do it. We think we’re fine. We smile and we keep moving. We tell ourselves it’s not that bad. Until one day, it is that bad. Until one day, your body says nope. Your brain says enough. And everything comes crashing down.

It sucks. But it’s okay. Because here’s the truth: it’s okay to not be okay.

I know people say that a lot, but I really mean it. It doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t mean you’re failing, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, it just means you’re human. You feel things. You carry things. And sometimes, it’s too much. And that’s okay.

What made this breakdown even harder was that I didn’t tell anyone. Not a soul. I kept it all to myself. I didn’t want to talk about it because I was afraid that if I did, I’d completely fall apart. And for some reason, I’ve always had this weird sense of pride about not being a crier. Like if I don’t cry, I’m still holding it together. I know, it doesn’t make sense. But that’s how I’ve always been.

So I kept quiet. I shut down. And it felt like me versus the world. Which was my own fault, really because I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t open up. I didn’t give anyone a chance to support me. I just kept pretending everything was fine until it wasn’t.

But here’s something I’ve learned: whether you talk about it or not, whether you cry or not, whether you ask for help or bottle it up, those feelings are going to come out eventually. One way or another. And sometimes they show up at the most inconvenient times, like right in the middle of your favorite holiday.

Having a meltdown doesn’t mean you’re broken, it doesn’t mean you’re weak, it just means you reached your limit. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less.

So if you’ve been there (or if you’re there right now) just know that you’re not alone. It happens and it will pass.

Feel your feelings. Let them out if you can. Or hold them in if that’s what you need to do to survive the day. Either way, don’t judge yourself for how you process. Do what you need to do to get through and know that even when it feels like you won’t, you will get through.

Nothing lasts forever. Not the hard moments, not the anxiety, not the sadness. It will pass, you’ll breathe again, you’ll smile again, and you’ll feel like yourself again.

I’m not perfect. I say things I shouldn’t. I hurt people when I try to be honest. I think I can soften the blow by saying things like 'no offense' or 'I love you, but...' I always think that warning people makes it better, but it doesn’t. So sometimes I just stay quiet. And then I explode later. It’s a cycle. It’s not my favorite. But it’s mine. I’m working on it.

So if you’re out there trying to hold it all together, I see you. If you’re falling apart, I see you too. Whether you’re loud about your struggles or silent and strong until you break… it’s okay.

You’re okay.

And even when you’re not, you will be.

You’ve got this.